They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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