Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize