Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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