her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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