so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
