Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
