swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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