Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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