I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
he fucked my hip out of place.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Randomize
