sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
