no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
