the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
