Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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