he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
