The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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