Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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