Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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