even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
