when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
