btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
