So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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