I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
