Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
