So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
