He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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