I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Randomize
