omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
