Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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