i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
