Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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