I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
