Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize