she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
