Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
