I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
