If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
