recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
