i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
