The maid of honor just puked.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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