recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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