i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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