just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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