if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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