Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
