Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
