No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
