All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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