you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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