I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
