wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
