just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
