i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
