You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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