Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
